New Year’s 2015– In with the New

So, as we headed into the holidays in 2014, we were pretty sad. A year ago, we had decided to start expanding our family. Well, 1 year later, and all we have is 2 babies in heaven, and none in our arms. Big grief trigger. Then, well…we found out a few days ago (Monday, Dec 29th, to be exact) that we are expecting! We were actually a bit surprised on this one. We are thrilled, however, after this last year, we are actually probably more so, terrified! We decided to tell people right away, too. People always have different thoughts on this. We have done both ways, too. And, I find it sad that I still have a blog post in my drafts that was about our 4th pregnancy…never got it posted before our baby had already died. Then, it was like it didn’t happen. Nobody knew. Some people still don’t realize that we had that loss. Then, we waited even longer for our 5th pregnancy to tell people. Like somehow that makes it better for the pregnancy?!

Well, we are done with that thinking and we both agreed that we want prayers and the support from the beginning! We even told the kids right away. I know even more people might balk on this one. But, you know what, our kids are going to find out whether things go well or not with this pregnancy. They know they have 2 siblings in heaven. Why not enjoy and celebrate this life for as long as we can as a family? They are thrilled! They did say, we hope this baby gets to stay with us here on earth… and doesn’t go to heaven with Teeny and Tiny (babies 4 and 5). And, that is our prayer as well! We are praying that this little one gets to join us healthy and happy this side of heaven! Will you join us in those prayers?

I told my midwife (who is one of the sweetest women and just amazing!) before anyone…even before Stephen (he was at work). I was already a bit suspicious as I didn’t get the hormone crashing headache that I typically do a few days leading up to my period. So, I was already wondering. Then, the day that I should’ve started, nothing happened early on. But, I still waited until mid-afternoon to get the guts up to test. I figured it’d be negative, seeing as it was not first morning urine and it was so early in the potential pregnancy. Well, alas, it did show up positive. Then, I had no idea what to think. Excited, Scared. Hopeful. Terrified. Thankful. Anxious. Not wanting to get my hopes up. Fear. What to do? Who to tell? Do I tell? :-/

Anyway, I texted my midwife and she gave recommendations (which I agreed with) and then she talked to the OB she consults with. Progesterone and aspirin were recommended. So, I am taking progesterone twice a day and a daily baby aspirin. Why you ask? Well, we do not know the reasons for my 2 pregnancy losses. They were very different even in how they presented, so my guess is that there were different issues for each of them. Was there a hormone issue? Clotting issues? Chromosomal issues? We’ll never know. But, we are just taking a couple of measures to help if low progesterone or clotting issues were a problem. The idea being, we don’t know, but these can’t hurt, and might possibly help. If chromosomal issues are the issue, these will not prolong a pregnancy that is going to end for that reason.

Anyway, pregnancy after losses is such a beast. Trying not to analyze every single twinge, or lack of twinges, and then bathroom trips—wondering if there will be bleeding each time. Such a mental game. I started a weekly Pregnancy After Loss devotional that I found online. Rainbows and Redemption explains and then, the actual pdf. I also just downloaded another book to read, Celebrating Pregnancy Again. Stephen and I are most worried about the aftermath if this pregnancy ends ugly as well. It has been SSSOOO hard this past year. Not sure how we’d handle that again. Praying that we don’t have to handle it again. Right now, I keep thinking, is this “third times a charm” or “bad things come in threes?” Uggh.

Many people consider a living baby following a loss their “Rainbow Baby” because they acknowledge that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a Rainbow Baby appears, it is a reminder that the storm happened and that the family is still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color and hope.

Wanting to hope and get excited. But, naturally wanting to somehow try to protect my heart from hurt, although I know that is not possible. I truly know that. Anxiety and worry and maybe even paranoia. Wanting to celebrate pregnancy and this life and the gift of possibly being able to hold another baby in our arms. Oh, the ache for that to happen.

Will you pray with us? Pray for our baby. Pray that we will get to enjoy a rainbow baby. Pray for our hearts. Pray for the worry and anxiety to not take over the joy and hope. Please join us in praying that this sweet baby will get to join us healthy and happy this side of heaven! Lord, please. Please.