Just Can’t Do It

I am 8 wks 5 days today. For a couple of babies, we’ve found the heartbeat at home by doppler by this time–Ridley and Tiny. But, I just cannot bring myself to pull out my doppler anytime soon. Why? Well, the memory that floods into my mind when I think of that doppler is how I searched and searched on Tuesday, April 15th for the heartbeat of Tiny. I hadn’t listened in a while (since my appt at 10 1/2 wks), so I thought I’d take a quick listen since the kids were at school. I was 12 1/2 wks at that point. There was nothing but silence. I searched for HOURS! Stephen and I searched that night, too. I knew. Stephen was not ready to believe it. I knew I should easily be able to find the heartbeat at that point. I was already grieving the loss of our Tiny even before confirming on ultrasound the next morning.

So, while I cannot wait to actually HEAR that thump thump on our doppler, I just can’t bring myself to get that doppler out yet. I take comfort in knowing that we’ve SEEN the heartbeat on ultrasound twice now. Stephen and I talked about this the other night. He was in complete agreement. He knew what I was going to say before I did. He remembers.

I continue to have almost constant nausea. People are always saying, oh yay, that’s a great sign! I think I’ve said this before, but while I AM thankful to have nausea, I also am not without worry just because I feel yucky. I mean, I had nausea and vomiting while pregnant with Tiny, too…  🙁

So, I just continue to daily pray that this sweet one is healthy and my body is healthy to support this growing life that God has blessed us with.

This is the song that I hear often and I kind of take as God constantly reminding me of this.

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2 Responses to Just Can’t Do It

  1. Sandi H says:

    Jennifer, I can relate to all of this. I hate that pregnancy after loss has to be filled with questions and worry — kinda feels like our innocence or naivety has been lost. Praying for peace and for healthy baby!!

  2. Mom says:

    Continuing to lift you and the wee one in prayer every day. We love you.

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