On Tuesday of this week (2 days ago), I was 10 wks. Stephen and I attended a counseling session that morning. In this particular session, we ended up revisiting some of those very, very dark days last year. As I’ve said before, I’m a crier. Well, this session was no exception. However, after that, I could not stop crying for the rest of the day! I was an emotional mess. I cried at the post office. I cried at the bank. I cried just driving down the road. I was teary going in to get a look at our baby via ultrasound. I was tearful afterwards, and then really started crying in the car. Then, as I was driving away, the song “I am not alone” came on, and I just lost it–like ugly cry lost it. I guess I had some tears that needed to be shed. Boy, did I have a headache after that though! Oy!
Anyway, I went to the ultrasound and I was just all emotionally charged already. The ultrasonographer said she could tell I was anxious/nervous. It was sooo good to see that little heart just beating away! Baby measured 10 wks 1 day, and the heartbeat was 171 at picture time. We can also see little limbs now. There was a little hand up by the baby’s head. So sweet! Such a sigh of relief.
We are nearing the time that we found out that Tiny was no longer alive. We learned that at 12 1/2 wks. So, there certainly is some underlying anxiety, which I think is natural. We are not letting it overwhelm us, but are trusting and believing and hoping that this baby will come home with us, healthy and happy.
In a couple of weeks, I’m going to be attending a weekend retreat with Hope MommiesÂ which is a christian organization that attempts to bring the hope of Christ to bereaved moms of baby loss. I did a study with them in the fall, but truthfully, it didn’t do much for me. It was too much of an intellectual exercise at the time, and I just wasn’t there yet in my heart. I actually had NO intentions or interest in attending their retreat. But, last week, a post came across my facebook feed that really resonated with me, and it was about the retreat. So, I talked to Stephen about it and thought and prayed about it, and decided to sign up. I only had a couple of days to do this since the deadline to sign up was only that amount of time away.
Anyway, I will be right at the exact same time of pregnancy on the 1st day of the retreat that I was when I couldn’t find Tiny’s heartbeat. So, I’m sure it will be an extra emotional time. But, I think it’s something I need to do as well. Praying that it is a healing, reflective, restful weekend.
As for how I’m feeling, it’s still a pretty constant nausea, but it’s more of just a constant nagging upset stomach at this point–kind of like heartburn in my stomach, if that makes sense. I don’t really ever feel on the verge of actually vomiting, except for when I’m gagging down my different pills each day. I pretty much eat all.the.time. An empty stomach is a big no-no. So, I’m sure I’m packing on the weight. 🙂 I’m looking forward to moving past this stage of pregnancy into the more enjoyable parts, like the first baby kicks and baby hiccups.
Here are a couple of the pictures from the ultrasound.
I think I’m in love! <3 Â Thank you for your continued prayers!!