Mixed Emotions

So, this week has been one of those weeks. Wednesday (the 15th) was such a horrible mommy day for me. Then, that night, I was just crying. All day, I had thought about exactly 1 year prior when I was unable to find Tiny’s heartbeat with my doppler. Such sad memories. I don’t *think* I can blame my horrible mommy day on all that. I don’t know. It was just so hard thinking about how that day felt like last year! I just remember the horrible sinking devastation on that day, just knowing that our baby was gone. I just can’t describe that feeling.

Then, on Thursday (16th), I remembered the day that we confirmed my suspicions. I had a prenatal appointment on Thursday this week, and I started crying at my appointment, recalling that day last year. My midwife remembers that day last year as well. I remember the drive and Stephen maintaining hope that the baby was just hiding. I said I wished that was the case, but I just truly didn’t believe that was the case. I hated being right. Hated it!! The massive downpour of tears, Stephen laying over me on the ultrasound table, just weeping. We just held each other, not knowing why in the world this was happening, and how.

It’s just been hard remembering those days last year. We’ve come so far in our beliefs about God’s control, providence, and sovereignty since that time. I believe He is fully sovereign and in control in the good and the bad times. I don’t believe it was random or mother nature that led to my babies dying. It was God. His purpose for them was not at all what I had purposed for them. But, just because I don’t understand it and don’t like it doesn’t mean He is being mean to me. I am learning to try to trust Him and His higher thoughts and ways. He sees the entire picture and I don’t. I’m still learning more about this theology, so I’m not there yet. May never be fully.

So, all during this week, I also celebrated my birthday and got to see our new baby doing very well on ultrasound. And, this baby is really moving. It’s such a blessing! On Sunday night, once when I woke up, I felt like the baby was moving strongly enough that I could feel the movements externally. But, I had nobody to test that with in the middle of the night. And, through the week, wee one was always doing these strong movements when Stephen wasn’t around, so again, nobody to back up my thoughts. Well, at my appointment on Thursday, my midwife laid her hands on my belly and asked me if I was feeling much movement. As I was nodding my head yes, the baby kicked her hand! She was like, “Oh, well, I felt that!” The baby proceeded to kick her a few more times, and kicked all while she had the doppler on my belly, listening to the heartbeat (150s this time).

Of course, when I told Stephen this later, he was anxious to be able to feel himself! That night, he felt some. But, Friday night, while I was saying my prayer at night, baby started moving a lot, so I grabbed his hand and pulled it to my belly. He got to feel several strong kicks! Yay! Abriella was able to feel tonight before bedtime. Colby hasn’t been able to, and he’s a little bummed about that fact, saying the baby doesn’t like him. Poor fella!

So, it’s just such a strange mix of emotions. Such grief over memories of last year, yet such joy about the new life growing. Such a hard balance. Tuesday, the 21st, will be 1 year since Tiny’s little body was born. ~sigh~ That day, we are planning on doing a little balloon release with the kids to remember our babies.

Please continue to pray for us. Some days are pretty challenging right now. Thankful for His grace and patience with me.


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