I just wanted to share some thoughts of the journey we are on. If you know me, or have read this blog with any regularity, you know that this baby follows the loss of 2 babies last year. That is why the posts are always tagged with “baby #6,” as this is our 6th baby. Our babies were real, and I am certain we will meet them in heaven one day.
I do wish others would include our babies in the count. When asked by complete strangers how many kids I have, I do often say this is our 4th, not wanting to get into it with some random at wal-mart, ya know. Recently, someone said to Ridley that he was finally going to be a big brother. My 2 older kids were pulling at me, saying to me and trying to interrupt the lady and inform her of the fact that he already was a big brother to our babies in heaven. I love that they do not forget!
In the spring of 2014, we were in a marriage study with a wonderful older couple. When they introduced themselves the first night, they told how many kids they had. They also shared how many grandchildren they had, saying that 2 of them were in heaven . They included the babies their kids had lost in pregnancy. I remember thinking that was so special. We hardly knew this couple, but this was just part of their introduction they shared. This happened to be before we lost our babies (both of those losses ended up occurring during that study). I still think just how special it is that they include ALL of their grandchildren in their count of how many they have. Each one is special. This couple also were an incredible source of encouragement after we lost our babies.
I do love explaining my “hope nest necklace” with others when they ask about it. It has 6 pearls in it, 1 for each our our babies, here, in heaven, and in utero. They are all my babies, even if we don’t get to meet some until heaven. 🙂
And, what is pregnancy after loss like? Well, I can’t go into all of it in one single post. I do want to share a few things. So, the kids almost daily ask right now when the baby will be born? I don’t know is pretty much the standard answer. Well, one day recently, Colby and Abriella were beside my bed where I was sitting. Colby said, “What if this baby isn’t born?” I said, “Oh, this baby will be born.” He said, “I mean, what if this baby doesn’t get to stay on earth with us?” Oh, my heart. I couldn’t tell him that there was no way that would happen. I just said something to the effect of “Oh…yes… that would be very, very sad…” Abriella just sadly said, “Oh, I don’t want to think about that.” I told her I didn’t either. This is the reality of it all though. I don’t think Colby has missed many nights this entire pregnancy of praying that “the baby in mommy’s tummy is growing, healthy, and will stay on earth with us.”
Then, there was a day that Ridley asked me when my baby, Tiny, was going to be born. ~Sigh~ I had to remind him that our Tiny already had been born, but was in heaven already, and we wouldn’t get to meet him until we got to heaven. I told him this was a new baby. He was like, oh, ok.
For me, yesterday brought back some sad memories I hadn’t anticipated. We finally started painting our nursery, which is so exciting. When I say “we,” I mean Stephen. 🙂 Anyway, last night, my mind went back to last January (2014) when we were painting Abriella’s room. It was during that day that I started bleeding. That was the beginning of losing our 1st baby. A few months later, we lost our 2nd baby. Grief is just so interesting how it pops up. Just reminded me again of the beginning of a journey I never anticipated.
This pregnancy has been a journey in trust. I now fully believe that nothing that happens is a shock to God. He is fully sovereign and in control. He is all powerful. When someone dies, whether is was a horrific, tragic, peaceful, merciful, surprise, or expected, death, He doesn’t say, “whoa, didn’t see that coming!” He knows. He is in control. Satan is not in control. There is so, so much more to this that I’m still learning about. One book that I’m still not done with (after starting it over a year ago—good thing it’s on my kindle!), is Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. In fact, when I first started reading it not long after Tiny died, it made me mad, and I put it away for months. It was so confusing to me, and brought so many questions to mind. But, I am still working through it and need to go back through it…probably about a 100 times.
I can tell you, though, that us losing 2 babies in 2014 has changed Stephen and I. Our theology has evolved into something new. I hate that we don’t have those babies with us. But, I know God had a purpose for their short lives. I may never fully understand it. I know He has a purpose for the life of our baby that we are anxiously awaiting. I am fervently praying that His purpose is for our baby to live an amazing life for Him with us here on earth. I am desperately trying to trust in His sovereign will.
Will you continue to pray with us? We have been so thankful for the support we have received through this pregnancy especially. We are praying that God will carry us through, and we desperately desire a happily screaming baby in our arms soon!