This last year of 2014 was not a great year at all. I think you can get the gist of that in the last post. Sorry if that’s a downer to some of you, but it’s real life. We do not understand God and His ways or thinking. I started seeing a counselor a week or so before Christmas (I think that one of the things that I realized was that I need to journal my thoughts more–hence the post before–it’s therapeutic in a way). Truly, I think everyone should go to counselors. Like your whole life. Not just when something might be off. Honestly, something is always a little off. 🙂 We’re human. We’re broken. We’re messed up. Too bad you have to pay for them. 🙂
This is not my first time to see a counselor. Stephen and I have gone for marriage counseling in the past. I’ve gone for personal counseling. Stephen’s gone for personal counseling. We’ve gone to events through New Life that involve small group sessions with counselors. I think there are many great counselors out there. (There are also very bad counselors out there…). Anyway, this was the first time I have gone for counseling since the death of our 2 babies this past year.
Introductory sessions are always a bit strange. You kind of pour out your junk in a verbal vomit kind of way in an hour or less. If you’re like me, you empty their kleenex boxes, too. I’m a crier. Always hated that growing up because…well, frankly, I come from a family of non-criers. So, to me, I always thought it was a bit of a weakness to be tearing up. I now know that’s just not true. Crying is healthy, and probably a lot healthier than not. But, old thought patterns are hard to break.
Anyway, I’m prayerful that 2015 is much brighter than 2014. I want to have more joy. I want to feel closer to God. I know it’s not all about feelings. But, I have not been happy with God for months now. Yes, I know those are things that satan is using against me. Please. Don’t give me the churchy answers. Honestly, I could probably spout every single one off to you, too. I know the church answers. My head knows the right answers. It’s my heart that hurts. Let me clue you in if you don’t know this, but do not assume that scripture and church answers are actually ministering to someone during hard times, even if you think you share the same beliefs. Just don’t. It might, but don’t assume that. I just read a book recently that I would recommend, not just for grieving parents, but also for anyone that will be around a grieving friend. That would be all.of.you. Unless you hide under a rock, you will come in contact with this at some point in your life, if not already. Lots of practical info in it for everyone. Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple (this is just a link to the ki.nd.le version on a.maz.on).
Anyway, as we close 2014, I do want to celebrate every day of life of our kids, however long that is. I want to communicate better with Stephen. When intense grief enters a marriage, it strains things, especially if you grieve differently, which often is the case. We’re in it for the long haul though. I am scarred. I have more babies to love after this past year, even though they aren’t here to hold. My arms ache for them. One day. Lord, please.