One Year

On Sunday, January 18th, we marked the 1 year anniversary of our 1st miscarriage last year. Later, when the kids learned of that baby, they named the baby Teeny. 🙂 I still remember the events of that day last year. It was a Saturday. Stephen was painting Abriella’s room upstairs, so it was a bit chaotic upstairs with her furniture all in the middle of the room, plastic down, paint brushes, etc. During the day, I started noticing some light bleeding when I went to the restroom. It’s one of those times where your heart just drops.

The pregnancy had been so different, like I basically had minimal to no pregnancy symptoms–nothing like the other pregnancies. So, I had never even said, “our baby.” I was basically not attached at all. Not for lack of wanting to be. But, in my heart of hearts, I think I kind of knew something wasn’t right. So, in an unconscious way of protecting myself, I remained detached. However, I was still very sad when I realized that the end was reality.

The light bleeding turned into bleeding similar to a period. I knew it was over. I was just under 6 wks pregnant. That night after the kids went to bed. Stephen and I cried. I was ready to try again though. I think I just didn’t want to feel it. I wanted to just put it past us and move on. I think I even tried to talk Stephen out of being sad about the whole thing. Just downplayed the whole thing. Uggh. Now, I realize, I probably should’ve spent some more time grieving the loss of our baby. We had not even told our families, and they still didn’t learn about it until much, much later. It was like it never even happened. That makes me so sad. Sad that we didn’t honor our baby in any way. Sad that we kept this precious life and the end of it basically a secret (a few friends knew, but that’s it).

Unbeknownst to us, that was the beginning of a very hard year of baby loss. So, sweet baby Joyner #4, Teeny, as your big brothers and sister lovingly named you, we are sad that you didn’t get to live with us here on earth. I’m glad that you have already met your baby sibling Tiny, and I’m sure y’all are having a blast in heaven with Jesus. And, I hope you’ve met some grandparents and great-grandparents. You have several to love on y’all! One day, all of us will be together again. I look forward to that day with great anticipation!

Love,

Mommy

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