Joynerzone

So, this week has been one of those weeks. Wednesday (the 15th) was such a horrible mommy day for me. Then, that night, I was just crying. All day, I had thought about exactly 1 year prior when I was unable to find Tiny’s heartbeat with my doppler. Such sad memories. I don’t *think* I can blame my horrible mommy day on all that. I don’t know. It was just so hard thinking about how that day felt like last year! I just remember the horrible sinking devastation on that day, just knowing that our baby was gone. I just can’t describe that feeling.

Then, on Thursday (16th), I remembered the day that we confirmed my suspicions. I had a prenatal appointment on Thursday this week, and I started crying at my appointment, recalling that day last year. My midwife remembers that day last year as well. I remember the drive and Stephen maintaining hope that the baby was just hiding. I said I wished that was the case, but I just truly didn’t believe that was the case. I hated being right. Hated it!! The massive downpour of tears, Stephen laying over me on the ultrasound table, just weeping. We just held each other, not knowing why in the world this was happening, and how.

It’s just been hard remembering those days last year. We’ve come so far in our beliefs about God’s control, providence, and sovereignty since that time. I believe He is fully sovereign and in control in the good and the bad times. I don’t believe it was random or mother nature that led to my babies dying. It was God. His purpose for them was not at all what I had purposed for them. But, just because I don’t understand it and don’t like it doesn’t mean He is being mean to me. I am learning to try to trust Him and His higher thoughts and ways. He sees the entire picture and I don’t. I’m still learning more about this theology, so I’m not there yet. May never be fully.

So, all during this week, I also celebrated my birthday and got to see our new baby doing very well on ultrasound. And, this baby is really moving. It’s such a blessing! On Sunday night, once when I woke up, I felt like the baby was moving strongly enough that I could feel the movements externally. But, I had nobody to test that with in the middle of the night. And, through the week, wee one was always doing these strong movements when Stephen wasn’t around, so again, nobody to back up my thoughts. Well, at my appointment on Thursday, my midwife laid her hands on my belly and asked me if I was feeling much movement. As I was nodding my head yes, the baby kicked her hand! She was like, “Oh, well, I felt that!” The baby proceeded to kick her a few more times, and kicked all while she had the doppler on my belly, listening to the heartbeat (150s this time).

Of course, when I told Stephen this later, he was anxious to be able to feel himself! That night, he felt some. But, Friday night, while I was saying my prayer at night, baby started moving a lot, so I grabbed his hand and pulled it to my belly. He got to feel several strong kicks! Yay! Abriella was able to feel tonight before bedtime. Colby hasn’t been able to, and he’s a little bummed about that fact, saying the baby doesn’t like him. Poor fella!

So, it’s just such a strange mix of emotions. Such grief over memories of last year, yet such joy about the new life growing. Such a hard balance. Tuesday, the 21st, will be 1 year since Tiny’s little body was born. ~sigh~ That day, we are planning on doing a little balloon release with the kids to remember our babies.

Please continue to pray for us. Some days are pretty challenging right now. Thankful for His grace and patience with me.

Each year, the local university puts on an Easter Pageant the Wednesday before Easter. Now, when I first heard pageant, I thought it was a beauty contest. HA! No, it’s so not that. It’s a depiction of Christ’s life, crucifixion, and resurrection. This was the 76th annual pageant! Kids from the community are included in it as well. This year, Abriella wanted to be in it, so I signed her up a couple of months ago. The kids are in some of the crowd scenes.  There were 2-300 kids involved this year!! Oy!

We have gone several years now–maybe this is our 4th year to go? Not sure now. We enjoyed watching Abriella yesterday. She had so much fun. Boy, was she exhausted after it was all over with. They do 3 performances through the day. We attended the first one at 12:30 pm. It is always a moving performance.

I was thankful that Abriella was a part of it this year, so that I could focus on that rather than where my mind wanted to go. Last year, the day of the Easter Pageant was the day we had the ultrasound that confirmed that Tiny was no longer living. We went home and told the kids, which was just devastating to them and I just remember their cries and questioning why over and over. Through our own tears, we had no answers for them. I still don’t.

We had planned to go to the pageant as we had done for a couple of years. Abriella chose to wear black to the performance out of respect for Tiny. It was heartwrenching. I just remember being there and crying. I tried to focus on the resurrection and the hope in that, and that we would be reunited with our babies in heaven. It was so hard though. That was the beginning of a hard journey that we are still on.

Today, I am thankful that God has blessed us with another life. I am praying so hard that He allows us to keep this one with us, healthy and happy! The movements currently inside my tummy are so sweet and such an amazing reminder of the miracle of life. I wish all of my babies were here with me. Thank you for continued prayers.

Here are a few pictures from the show.

Well, I’m pretty certain I’ve been feeling little movements this week. It’s mostly only when I’m laying down on my side at night. I was told at my 12 wk ultrasound that my placenta is anterior, so I’m aware that it may be harder for me to feel movement in these earlier weeks. But, I’m 16 1/2 wks now, and I’m certain these are little movements I’m feeling. Looking forward to when they are more often. Sure thankful for the increasing signs of growing life.

My appointment on Thursday was good. Uterus growing, heartbeat strong in the 160s. I’m still not looking at my weight. HA! I know I’ve slowed down on the weight gain though. When I stopped the progesterone and as my nausea tapered down, I’ve been able to eat more normal foods for me. So, I feel way less bloated, which is a definite plus. Still have nausea at times, but it’s minimal. I did have a very “gaggy” day earlier this week. Random, but it happens!

I have my big anatomy ultrasound scheduled. Since the kids wanted to go, I chose a few days later than they initially offered. So, we’ll be going on my birthday, April 13th. That’s 2 weeks from Monday! The kids are excited. We will be going to the same place that we went for our big ultrasound for each of them. It’s in Austin. My midwife had put a referral in to our local hospital for me, too. But, I really don’t want to pay them anymore money honestly. I knew our insurance was likely out of network for the Austin place that we like so much, and it is, but they have a cash pay that is discounted. Stephen was fine with the discounted pay and said, “Let’s do it!” I’m so excited! Praying all appears to be developing normally. We still are planning to NOT find out the gender, much to many people’s disappointment. Sorry. Not sorry.

So, as we end March, I’ve been a little anxious about April. April was a really awful month last year. It was 2 days after my birthday that we discovered that Tiny was no longer alive. Then, we had Easter, which is a great day, but I remember that day as a day I was carrying a baby inside of me that was not alive. So much crying during church that day. Then, early on Monday morning after Easter was when Tiny was born. Then, 8 days later, nearly hemorrhaging to death. ~Sigh~ So, this year, how Easter falls, it just seems like the whole month is just…well, I’ve talked about writing the whole month off! I’m praying that the anticipation of the month will be worse than the actual month.

I’ve talked about this with my counselor, my midwife, and Stephen, and a couple of friends. It’s such an interesting place to be—thrilled to have new life growing, but yet still grieving a life (really 2 lives) that didn’t get to stay with us. My counselor said that I just need to allow myself to grieve as it comes. It is ok and healthy to do so. I am praying that next April, we have a sweet baby enjoying the month with us. We’d love for you to keep us in your prayers as April comes.

So, I’ll end this post with a conversation with Colby last night. That boy. So, he now calls the baby “she,” as he’s convinced (at least for now) that the baby is a girl. Last night, he said he stated that this baby had lived longer than our other babies, to which I agreed, and so he felt like this one we would get to have with us on earth. I told him I was sure praying that was so! Then, we had mentioned to the kids that the baby could hear now. So, that led to them singing and saying prayers with their mouths right on my tummy. Haha, love that! Colby asked if the baby could feel hugs from us yet. I said probably not. I said that I was feeling little movements now though. He was like, “Oh, I wish I could have a baby in my tummy!” I said, yea, well, only girls get to carry babies in their tummies. I told him that he would then have to give birth to the baby, and in a boy…well, that might mean it’d have to come out of his penis (yes, we use the actual terms in our house). He was like, oooohhh, that would hurt, and then it (his penis) might break apart and (in a whisper he said) become a vagina! It was all I could do to keep from rolling on the floor in laughter! Oh the conversations with that boy at night. Cracks me up.

Anyway, thank you for continued prayers for us. We have felt the prayers this entire pregnancy. We are thankful for such wonderful friends and family to journey alongside us.

Tomorrow, I’ll be 16 weeks! Moving right along. We are thankful. I took a quick listen yesterday afternoon–strong heartbeat! I have a prenatal appointment on Thursday of this week. I figure we’ll look at scheduling the bigger ultrasound soon. I’ll probably go to our maternal-fetal medicine doctors at the local hospital for it since I’m considered “Advanced Maternal Age” now. Sneaking up on 37 yrs old now. So, they offer a bit more in-depth ultrasounds for AMA mamas. Yippee.

Occasionally, I think I detect some movement, but can’t be sure yet. I always enjoy when we get there, especially at the beginning when they are gentler movements. They do get more uncomfortable (er, painful at times), but so worth it.

A few weeks ago at church, we were blessed by a couple of our elders and their wives. One of them came up to Stephen before church and asked if we could meet them in the prayer room after services, so they could pray over our family and our baby. We were very touched. Not sure what prompted them, but we were thankful! Then, a week after that, another man from church talked to Stephen and asked how far along I was and was just really kind and said they were praying for us and the baby. That is what church is about. These are not people we are super close to, but they stepped out and were Jesus to us, showing their care, concern, and love.

The kids pray for the baby all the time. The other morning, Abriella came into our room and asked how I’d slept (I was still in bed). Then, she asked how the baby was. I told her that as far as I knew, the baby was doing fine. She said, “Good. I really hope this one doesn’t die….” Oy. On one hand, I’m thankful that my kids truly see that it is a miracle when a baby is born healthy. However, I hate that they know that bad things really can and do happen…and not just to other people. She speaks what I pray and hope for all the time though as well.

Something made me chuckle the other day at church. I talked to another younger gal who is pregnant for the 1st time. They had just announced the prior week that they were expecting. She didn’t look pregnant, so I figured she was fairly early. I congratulated her and asked her when she was due. She told me and I learned I am only 3 days ahead of her! I look to be 3 MONTHS ahead of her. HA! I looked as pregnant as she did when my test was first positive. Oh, to have those strong abdominal muscles of a 1st pregnancy! So funny.

We are thankful for each day with this sweet baby. Thank you for your continued prayers!!

We have crossed over into the 2nd trimester! Yay! This is where many people breathe a big sigh of relief, like, well, everything is going to be fine now! Well, I’m not that naive. I won’t burden you with stories, but I know that nothing is guaranteed. I do know that this baby is purposed for our family, no matter what that looks like, just like all of our babies were. We are choosing to trust that God has our baby and us in his tender care.

I listened to the baby Tuesday night with our doppler. Still beating strong, 160-170 was the rate. I did record it, too. Can’t get my phone to release the recording just yet. Such a sweet sound!

I am definitely showing now. I guess people at church hadn’t seen me in 2 weeks, so yesterday at church, everyone was like, “Oh, look at you showing” or “Look at that sweet baby bump!” I have felt rather huge for a few weeks, so it kind of surprised me. I probably just wasn’t camouflaging it as much this week. I borrowed some maternity clothes from a friend. Yay! So, I’ve been digging into those. So thankful for friends that share their clothes. I borrowed them from her with Ridley, too. She had another baby since then and they were also loaned to her sister-in-law in there. So, they get used well. More clothes were added since last time, too. Yay for big girl clothes. hehe. On that note, I have no idea how much weight I’ve gained! Yay for ignorance on this one. Even when I went for my appointment, my midwife said I didn’t have to look, and she just looked and wrote it down. Love her!

For a few days, I had almost no nausea, which was fabulous. I was hoping maybe we’d rounded the corner on the nausea front. However, on Monday night at bedtime, I was not feeling well, but it took me a little while to realize it was the deep seated nausea (in the depths of my tummy) that was my discomfort. Got up and grabbed a bagel after midnight, and finally felt better and was able to go to sleep. Have continued to have nausea since then, some days better than others. I can eat a little more normally when the nausea is at bay, which helps me to feel less bloated. Hopefully, the nausea phase will end soon!

One thing that I don’t care for this pregnancy is bad dreams. It’s like the fears that I have about this pregnancy work themselves into my dreams some nights. I have had to wake up and pray against the fear. I believe it’s only happened 3 times so far, but I don’t like it even once. The rest of the dreams are pretty wild dreams, which is typical of pregnancy for me. Right now, I am happy to sleep at all though. I’ve resorted to the couch a few times–it’s just cooler in the living room. Night-time sleeping is harder, but naps are the bomb! Too bad I can’t get a nap everyday.

The thoughts about gender have begun in earnest. The older 2 are currently in agreement that they both want a sister. Ridley vascillates on gender. Either way, he says the baby is to be named Jake. Well, earlier this week, he said it would be named Ridley after him. HA! Colby had a dream one night that our baby was born and he got to hold the baby–he said the baby was soooo cute (can you tell he’s looking forward to having a baby?), and we asked him if it was a boy or a girl. First, he said he couldn’t tell, but then he said, oh yeah, it was a girl. I’ve taken 2 very scientific surveys online to see if we’re having a boy or a girl—well, 1 said it was a girl, and 1 said it was a boy! HA! So, there ya have it! It’s going to be a girl or a boy!

Well, that’s about it for now. We’re thankful that we are to this point! Thank you for continued prayers.

This weekend, I went to a retreat with over 50 other very brave women. It was all women who have lost babies in pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant death. It brought a sense of community, a place where you could openly share your stories, your babies names, your emotions, your tears…all with women who got it. No judgement or attempts to fix you. It wasn’t a relaxing weekend in any way. Grief work is draining. But, it’s so necessary. I grew to love sooo many ladies this weekend. I hate the reasons we were all there, but I am thankful we could support each other. I posted a link before. The group is called Hope Mommies. There were ladies that came from all over the US to this retreat. There were ladies that had lost babies as recently as last week (not her first, sadly) and then one lady that spoke (she’s on the board) who shared about her son that died less than a month after he was born…nearly 38 years ago. Powerful. Real. I was thankful I decided to go.

It was such an interesting weekend to go, timing wise. This weekend I was the same amount of weeks that I was with Tiny when we learned he didn’t have a heartbeat, and then confirmed it the next day, and then started bleeding the next day. That was Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (timing wise 12 3/7 wks-12 5/7 wks). So, going into this retreat, I knew that was going to be either a really good thing or a really hard thing. It was a bit of both. It was definitely at the forefront of my thoughts. But, thankfully, I was in a safe place to share these things. I was encouraged and prayed for, and will continue to be. I know many that are continuing to pray for us. This Thursday will be the time when I delivered Tiny (13 2/7 wks). Stephen and I have talked about it several times and again, just tonight. It’s just hard remembering that time. The pain, the sadness, the incredible grief. So, so hard.

One song that they sang this weekend in worship was hard to listen to. It addresses one of those areas that I still struggle with. What is God’s role when bad things happen? The way this song was sung, I just didn’t like the harshness that I heard in the way it talked about God. I know that part of the lyrics are from Job. But, when I listened to this with the words from John Piper at the end, it gave me a different view. Take a listen.

http://youtu.be/yFDfzyaCbXc

As a brief catch up, last Thursday, I went to see my midwife for my first official prenatal appointment outside of all the blood draws up this point. It was good to hear our little baby’s heartbeat so strong. It was about 168 during that appointment. Also, last night, Stephen and I finally got the guts to pull out our doppler and listen. Stephen hadn’t heard the heartbeat yet. I can’t say that it was easy to do. I was hoping to find it right as I placed the doppler on my tummy, but I did have to move it around a bit, and boy oh boy, was my tummy making all kinds of noises! But, then that strong heartbeat came. What a sweet sound. We are thankful.

We still are very aware that there are no guarantees with this baby, or with any of our children, for that matter. There are no guarantees with any of us. But, we are trying to trust that God will get us through whatever comes. It’s not a fatalistic view. It’s just truth. We are thankful for each day we have with our kids, and we are certainly praying that He lets us have them with us for years to come! Thank you for your continued prayers.

Today, sweet baby Joyner is 12 wks. I took my last progesterone pill on Sunday. I felt better about stopping it then as opposed to my feelings a few days leading up to then. I thought possibly I might have less nausea after stopping it. Well, that has not proven to be the case. Truthfully, I might’ve freaked out a bit if I had all of a sudden felt better. The only thing that has changed is now I don’t have the dizziness, fuzzy feeling all throughout my body, and crazy fatigue that always hit about an hour and a half after I took those pills. That was NOT pleasant. Otherwise, I still have nausea all day and night. Also, this pregnancy, I have heartburn at times. I didn’t really have an issue with that in any other pregnancy. Maybe it’s age catching up with me. HA!

Today, I went for another ultrasound. Baby J looked great! It’s amazing how much babies grow in pregnancy in such a short time. Baby was moving all around and had his/her hands up by the face. Baby waved at us one time and looked at us, too. It was a bit challenging to get really good pictures with the baby moving. Looked fabulous on the screen in real life! It is such a relief to see the baby at the right size with a good strong heartbeat—160. Today, she didn’t just measure the heartbeat, but let me listen to it. Aw, sweet music!

I am feeling hopeful and optimistic that we’ll get to meet this baby, happy and healthy, come August/September. The due date is September 8th. There, I said it finally. Historically, I have delivered 2-3 1/2 wks before my due date. Maybe this will be the one that I go all the way! I just want the baby to come when he/she is ready to enter the world, and not a moment sooner.

Here is a picture of this little one. I think this is the one where baby is looking at us, and I think there is a hand in front of the face on the upper side possibly. It’s so hard to tell. But, I think those are eyes looking at us. It was way more clear on the screen.But, baby was moving a bunch. It was so sweet. She said my placenta is anterior, which means it may take longer for me to feel this babe because it’s like there is a pillow between me and the baby. I had an anterior placenta with Abriella, too, so although I was still in a normal time frame to start feeling baby, it was close to 20 wks, whereas, it was a lot sooner for my posterior placenta babies.

And, I’ve posted a few songs before. Songs can really minister to me in many ways. I just recently discovered this one. Brittany, when I listen to this one, I think of you for some reason. Maybe I imagine this would be one that you could really rock.

Thank you for all of the continued prayers! This Friday will be the same weeks/days that I was when I didn’t find Tiny’s heartbeat, so I know that will be on my mind that day. I’m thankful to see this little one growing on target. With Tiny, when they did the scan to confirm no heartbeat, they said he appeared to only be about 10 wk size (they didn’t actually measure, but eyeballed it), so it’s comforting that this one is not lagging in growth. Please continue to pray for us!